The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision
U.S.NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
U.S.NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Fu#k off.

TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing

is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we

regret that you will be unbearable.

LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the

cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then

going alphabetically by national order.

PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of

9 and 11 a.m. daily.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet

composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of

ascension.

POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the

form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.

RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will

execute customers in strict rotation.

SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic

painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of

different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with

each other for that purpose.

HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.

ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no

miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,

give it to the guard on duty.

ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please

control yourself.

TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet

him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament...
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son .
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried
the BODIES. Love, Bubba
At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son ...
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances. Love, Bubba.

A GOOD ACT

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

FOOTY V MATHS

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

SEXIST FACTORY

In a small country town, there is a rather sizable factory that employs only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, hard to manage...or what?" "Not at all, Madam," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

POP UP TREES

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

ONE LINERS

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand

ANOTHER AVID GOLFER STORY

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

VERY FRIENDLY FRIENDS

A sailor came home from a two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

(C) Copyright Perth Social Times 2005