humour

Seize The Day

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves: - that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer; - your life will not be completely full without a beer.

Avid Golfer

This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80kmh wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative -- he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance & Administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist -- all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist -- all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was ... GOD, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh ... you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

To My Dear Friend the Dog:

I'm so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound
for the broken lamp which you did not break,
the fish you did not eat,
or the carpet that you did not wet.
Things here at the house are calmer now,
and just to show you that I have no hard feelings,
I'm sending you a picture, so you'll always remember me.

Wait A Moment For Picture To Appear


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Prison vs. Work Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear... IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell; AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day; AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior; AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you; AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games; AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet; AT WORK... you have to share IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit; AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required; AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... there are wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers. But cheer up, because IN PRISON... you have to stay all the time. AT WORK...you get to go home sometimes.	ONE LINERS ...... Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key..." __________________________________________________________ A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." __________________________________________________________ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but Icouldn't find any. __________________________________________________________ I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." ___________________________________________________________ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. ___________________________________________________________ A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". ___________________________________________________________ I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. ___________________________________________________________ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ____________________________________________________ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. ____________________________________________________________ Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." _____________________________________________________________ "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." _____________________________________________________________ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.""What?because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" ______________________________________________________________ Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket bal stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." _______________________________________________________________ Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! _______________________________________________________________ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. _______________________________________________________________ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' _______________________________________________________________ Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. ________________________________________________________________ Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, fatso!" ________________________________________________________________ Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. _________________________________________________________________ "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." _________________________________________________________________ A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" _________________________________________________________________ Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. TRUE STORY This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power cut." "A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like >it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." " Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too ######ing stupid to own a computer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Seize The Day A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves: - that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer; - your life will not be completely full without a beer.	Avid Golfer This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80kmh wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?" 10 Husbands A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative -- he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance & Administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist -- all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist -- all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was ... GOD, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh ... you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
To My Dear Friend the Dog: I'm so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break, the fish you did not eat, or the carpet that you did not wet. Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings, I'm sending you a picture, so you'll always remember me. Wait A Moment For Picture To Appear
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AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work