GOLF
Toward the end of his golf round Harry managed to hit his ball into the
woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .PWOOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the
rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast
for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any
butter on anything the rest of your life!"
THEN PWOOF!....she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Harry yells back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"
ANOTHER AVID GOLFER STORY
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Long Lost Son?
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!" |
BLOND JOKES
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet." I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why,that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
BLONDE STEWARDESS
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was
missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only threedoors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note."I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM . Signed, The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. Cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" |